I’ve set this blog up to have a place where I can dump my thoughts in the times when there’s just too many of them. So, let’s put it to good use. I’m going to write about something that’s been bothering me for a while now.
I’ve been strugling with mental health issues for as long as I can remember. I’m not one to self diagnose, but saying these issues are probably something like depression would not be that far off. There are patches in my life where I feel completely worthless and that there’s not a point to anything. Not picking up calls, not responding to messages unless I absolutely need to. Not wanting to do anything, and at the same time, feeling like I need to do everything, which only exacerbates the problem.
I’ve been going through one of these patches at the moment. (Interestingly, they seem to be happening at fall every two years or so, leading me to believe that it may be seasonal - maybe a vitamin D test would do me wonders? who knows…) I’m not going to go into detail about everything that’s on my mind, this site is public after all. I am going to allow myself to mention one thing, though. With the rise of generative AI, one can’t help but feel almost worthless. If you want a great summary of my thoughts surrounding the issue, I suggest giving this video from Freya a watch. However, I’m sure you haven’t come here to read about AI (the whole internet is full of blog posts about it, probably generated by LLMs, too), so let’s move on.
During these episodes, the thing that has always crept back up from the depths where I buried it is the music that I listen to that helps me cope with all of the feelings. You might have heard about a particular Twitch streamer named Wilbur Soot. He started as the main host of the YouTube channel SootHouse. Later, he got involved with a bunch of Minecraft events, which eventually lead to him being on the DreamSMP. I personally haven’t watched a single stream, but what I got really into was his music. The albums Your City Gave Me Asthma and, later, Mammalian Sighing Reflex, with their melancholic music seem to somehow perfectly encapsulate my feelings.
Now, if you have heard about him in the past, you might have also heard about his controversy regarding the abusive behaviour he has expressed towards his ex-girlfriend. When I first heard about these allegations, I must say, I wasn’t shocked. Abusive relationships from someone who makes music about troubled and abusive relationships? Unheard of. But I was also a little bit worried. What does that make me? As someone who has greatly enjoyed his music and whom it helped cope with even the darkest of times, should I be worried I might be the same? Or at least am destined to walk down a similar path?
I managed to burry his music for two years. Now, as I am back in a darker time, I find myself listening to Glass Chalet again and thinking to myself: “Is this wrong?” “Should I switch it to some other depressing song? Nothing helps as much as this though…” Maybe it is that, before I find an answer to these questions, these dark times will pass and I will be once again happily listening to my favorite folk and rock music instead, but until then.